Why, AM I???

There was a post the other day on a women's Colorado Trail page that I follow asking about the story of "why" behind my hike. Very thought provoking question, that is if you allow it to be.

At first my answer was pretty general but meaningful.

So then I have been chewing on this for the last 3 days of what is my deep reason "WHY" I want to hike. Not only hike but backpack across Colorado, 496 miles putting one foot in front of the other for 42 days carrying 30lbs on my back. This originally was to be a journey that my husband and I were both going to do. Unfortunately due to some heart issues he is no longer able to hike with me :( But I told him that I would still love to do it and being the amazing husband he is, he is in full support of me doing my solo hike.... Some of you may think I am crazy... hell sometimes I think I am crazy.

So, "Who, AM I"?

I am a 44 year old

I am a daughter

I am a wife

I am a mother

I am a Nona

I am a sister

I am an aunt

I am a niece

I am a friend

During my reflecting of "WHY" I look back on "Who I Was" and "Who I Am"

I was a runner... not in the physical sense I would run when times got hard, run from one thing to another.

I was a person who sabotaged... I never thought I deserved anything to go right so when it was I would find a way to mess it up.

I was a mother at a very young age, the young age of 18. Though I do not wish to change one moment as I love my girls so much!!!! I wanted to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved! You get that from a child... so I decided to have a few more 😊

You know those posts that go around on Facebook about "Who You Are" asking all sorts of questions about your past and present experiences. Yeah, that one! Well... truth moment...I have never completed one. The reason being is I was and sometimes continue to be ashamed of "WHO I AM" and the things I have done.

I have always wanted people to like me, to accept me, to want me, to need me. I know that is some corrupt thoughts that I have!!

So as I peel back the layers of my onion some things may burn the eyes as you read them. Some may be sweet smelling and some really strong... but this onion this is ME! I know I didn't always make the right choices, do the right things, say the rights things.... but it got me to where I am today! And from where I am standing I don't think I did too bad!

Some of those questions are....

Have you been divorced before?

~ Yes, 3 times

Have you gone to jail?

~ Yes, for 13 days

Have you ever stolen?

~ Yes and have lived with the shame ever sense.

Have you every cheated?

~ Yes, once and regretted it with every ounce of my being

Have you been cheated on?

~ Yes, husband #1 and #3

Well, that wasn't so hard! I am not sure why I have a hard time accepting those things about me.

~My first marriage was to get out of the house.. I was 19, my father just passed away, already pregnant and went from one abusive situation to another.. I was beaten and he sold everything of mine and even kidnapped my 11 month old for 8 days... oh and yeah I was 8 months pregnant. He had multi affairs... but enough about him

~ My second marriage was to my high school sweetheart.. I learned later in life that I was still running... We did not have the resources to make a relationship work. We had 2 daughters and then I did something I have to live with the rest of my life... I cheated... to this day I don't know why I would do something like that.. but I did and I had to live with breaking up my family because I couldn't forgive myself.

~Third marriage... he asked 3 times.. I was not going to get married again but... yup I did! That one lasted the longest 12 years. After his affairs and addictions and my jail issue we thought we had everything behind us... until one July day I confronted him about his behavior with my teenage daughters and he walked out and never looked back. We had 2 sons we were fostering for 5 years and looking to adopt and my world crashed! During that time I made a lot of choices that I am not proud of, my behavior was so far from stellar! It was during this marriage that I suffered my worst bout of depression and during that time 12 years ago I did something that I NEVER thought I would do.... and before getting caught I went to my boss and told him that I used the company credit cards to buy groceries, gas and school supplies for the kids as we were loosing everything and had nothing. By NO means is this an excuse for my actions. I was already making payments back to him, but unfortunately his wife did not like me and she pressed charges. She also added many other charges that she made on to it and because I had no proof that I didn't do it, and they wouldn't believe me.. and lets say my credibility was not the best. The jail time then came... based on a rumor from someone that didn't like me my probation officer acted on it. I was arrested in front of my daughters, they were left at an empty house for hours while my their grandma came to get them. They say that God takes you places to get your attention and man did he ever!!! I was not taking full responsibility for my actions.. Needless to say that all changed once I got out. The day that I paid off the balance I ran into my old boss and he apologized to me for everything. God worked things out for His good!

But I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be needed, I wanted to loved!

Then my world continued to crash...

My boys went back to their mom.. which did not go well and they were back in the system.

My brother was killed in a car accident

I was not sure how to pick myself back up and that I was 3 1/2 years ago and I am still trying to put my pieces back together. Right when I think I have it I get another blow... but that is life right!

But during this pain I met Chris, the man I call my husband, my best friend, the man that showed me that it is possible to love after being hurt. he is the Froot to my Loop, the love of my life, the man that changed my world and my daughters. He opened his arms so wide to them and they treat like a father! He is the answer to my prayers! Although we have our ups and downs like any I wouldn't change it for anything! He is by far the best thing that ever happened to me!!!! I love you, Hugi!

I have suffered from depression my whole adult life sometimes are easier than others. I have to take the everyday for it.

I felt worthless

I felt like a failure

I still struggle with these thoughts from time to time.

So back to the reason for this post...

why

(h)wī/

adverb

for what reason or purpose

I want to step foot on that trail as one person and complete it as another.

I want to be able to shed my inadequacy, failures, pain, doubts, and fear that keep me captive.

I want to forgive myself.

I want to look my fear in the face and say you ain't got nothing on me!

I want to rise above the person I see in the mirror and learn to love her.

I want to rely totally on ME and my abilities to get me through.

I want to learn things about myself that I don't even know.

I may not be able to keep up with the rest of them but I am out there to "Hike My Own Hike" and that is exactly what I will do. I have had many moments of... "oh you don't know what your doing", "your not in shape, you will fail", "you want to be ALONE in the back country" But then I say I will not allow "MYSELF" to get in the way of this dream

"Know what you want to do, hold the thought firmly, and do every day what should be done, and every sunset will see you that much nearer the goal" - Elbert Hubbard

fear

ˈfir/

noun

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.